So working through my movie script of my book and did the following scene. Went for a sad moment ending with an attempt at humor. Would love some feedback. Does it feel believable?
EXT. – ALTAI REFUGEE CAMP – DAY
Risor comes out of the tent stretching. There are many tents
around them with people sharing communal fires or going
about their business. Miana and Rina are tending a fire near
the tent. Rina notices RIsor exiting the tent and runs up to
(giving Risor a hug)
It is good to see you too. (still
in Rina’s embrace he looks at his
mother who joins the hug) Mother.
(engulfing them both in a hug) I
have missed both of you so much.
(pulling away and looking
Risor, you look so tired.
They break up the hug and Rina goes to put a kettle on the
fire. Miana looks up at Risor. Risor cups her face.
You too, mother. Don’t work so
(Eyes tearing up)
I have not slept well since…
Since it happened.
It’s okay, we are all together and
safe. It is a new beginning and we
have to be strong. Once we settle
into our new home, life will get
Miana, breaks off the hug, gives a weak smile and then goes
to sit and help with the tea. Risor stares at them both,
then joins them at the fire. Rina gives him a cup of tea
while his mother makes him a bowl of soup.
Rina, how is Tolen? Have you had a
chance to talk to him lately?
(Looking at him with
narrowed eyes to see if
he is teasing her. Then
decides he is not)
I talked to him yesterday. He has
spent so much time in New Altai
that I don’t get a chance to see
You and mother should probably
catch one of the vailixi up there.
I believe father will go soon, too.
To direct the move from there, with
the rest of the council.
When will you come, Risor? I would
really like to have our family
together. (wringing hands)
(looking worriedly at
Miana then Rina. Rina
Soon mother, but there is still a
lot of work here and I am the
leader of the military. I have to
make sure all is well. Soon, we
will all be together. Once the move
He finishes the tea and soup and then hugs them both. Miana
heads into the tent. Risor turns to leave, Rina catches his
Risor, mother is not well. She
cries all the time. Between you and
father being gone and all that has
happened. I don’t think she is
taking it well.
I have heard that there are many
amongst us that are the same. I
think it is very hard for many of
our people to accept this. How are
I am fine. I worry and feel better
when you or father are here but I
understand, you can not always be
Soon that will change. Soon we will
settle in and then the fun of
trying to learn how to live like
our friends, the Suda, will be our
job. We will be the students.
Will we be okay? I hear many say,
we do not have enough food or
medicine or aether. Can we live
like the Suda? (looking desperately
(slightly taken back by
the desperation in her
It will be hard, but I think we
will learn how to live. We just
need to work hard.
(not buying it)
Will we have enough food through
If you don’t eat like me.
(shock turning to playful
Me! You are the pig. Gulping down
food quicker than the servants can
place the food.
(in completely false
You know, Tolen probably wouldn’t
like a wife that eats more than
(flare of anger in her
I .. Do .. Not .. Eat that much!
(laughing, he hugs her
and moves to leave)
I love you little sister, never
(stomping her foot)
Uhhhhha, you make me sooooo mad.
Laughing he walks away from her as she loses her “anger” and
smiles after him. Then her look turns to one of horror as
she realizes he knows about Tolen.